The next part of my journey is dialysis. I’ve been having a hard time with writing about it so I thought maybe it would be time to talk about the mental toll being sick all the time takes on your emotions. This isn’t easy to talk about for me. These words come from my soul.
Having diabetes is one thing, it never goes away. I think I’ve written about it before. Having an illness that is affected by so many outside factors, and also impacts so many parts of the body can be tiring. As diabetics, we get used to it and when you take care of yourself regularly it becomes second nature. MMM… this sandwich tastes like 30g of carbs. Sometimes at night I would lay awake, terrified that my blood sugar would crash in the middle of the night and I would slip into a coma. When I did wake up for lows I always tried to be quiet and not wake my husband. Even writing that now I think how dangerous that could be if I was too low to reach the kitchen. I now keep delicious snacks or a can of pop next to my bed for those emergencies. My husband always says goodbye when he leaves in the wee hours of the morning. I always joke and ask him to make sure I’m still breathing when he leaves for work.
So now lets pile on some of the complications I have had because of the beast that is diabetes. For the most part, they are invisible to the outside world. What does someone with no kidney function look like? Can anyone tell I haven’t been able to keep any food down in weeks? Does anyone else see how dark and hollow my face has become? For a lot of those years I couldn’t even look at myself. When I was so sick and no one could tell me why I often wondered if it was all in my head. I would try and be strong, not think about it and have breakfast thinking that if I ignored how nauseated I was that it would stay down. It wouldn’t and I wondered if anyone at work knew how often I vomited in the bathroom.
Being sick also made me so weak. I remember having to take a break when I was brushing my hair because my arm muscles were burning. Honestly, I’m not even sure how I functioned back then. We went camping once and the whole way driving home I was throwing up in the motorhome bathroom. Gross.
I always hoped that people didn’t think I was faking it. I mean, how could someone be that sick and feel that crappy every single day? When I was working still, I didn’t miss a day. When I was off work I had some good days. It always made me feel bad about being on disability. I didn’t want to come back unless I could commit to being there 5 days a week, and I was far from it for a long time. I have known people that have taken advantage of the “system” and I refused to be one of them. Sometimes I felt like maybe I was just being lazy and I would try to do things that I’ve always been able to do, but in the end my body was making it very clear that I needed to slow down.
I had good days, and I had bad days. I had a lot of bad days, actually. I have clawed my way out of some dark spaces. I’ve struggled with feeling like I was a burden to my family, even though they have supported me throughout my entire journey. I’ve never been suicidal, but have had thoughts about how much easier life would be for those around me if I wasn’t dragging them down. I’m not proud of those days, but I am proud that I recognized I was in a bad place and sought the help I needed. I’m not sure how much of that was showing on the outside. I’ve always tried to be strong and positive and I think I’ve said before that it wasn’t to hide how I was feeling, it was a coping mechanism for how I was feeling on the outside. It can be isolating.
I now know my worth. I just told my mom today actually that I have loved this decade of my life. I feel like I’ve grown more into the person I want to be in these last few years. I know I’m not the only person that’s ever felt this way and my hope for this blog, and especially this post that if someone else is going through it I want them to know it’s temporary. It’s ok to be upset. It’s ok to be sad. Even now I have those days, and I embrace those days knowing that I will wake up tomorrow and it will be a new day. A new day to feel grateful. A new day to feel strong. A new day to be me. Keep your chin up.
Kari's Kidney 