The Ugly Years – Part 1

As promised, I will now tell you about the ugly years. This is not an easy topic to open up about. I had in my mind that I deserved to live my life free of the burden that is diabetes. I know now that by not taking care of myself I was actually letting my disease have the control. It’s a hard pill to swallow given the complications I’ve had over the last few years but it’s part of my journey and it’s important to me to tell my story truthfully.

After that first day that I forgot my insulin at home I didn’t immediately disregard my disease. That part took a little bit of practice. I got away with it once, and then twice and then maybe a few more times. When you gradually start ignoring life sustaining therapy you don’t really notice yourself feeling progressively ill. I had moved out of my parents house and assured them that I could handle this on my own.

But… I started falling asleep in lectures and not eating properly. I started skipping my long acting insulin (it’s a once a day injection that gives you your baseline dose, and then you dose a short acting insulin for meals). Without this dose my blood sugar would mostly spike and not react well to the short acting dose. I started cancelling or straight up skipping my doctors appointments, which really tells me that I knew what I was doing wasn’t good for me and I didn’t feel the need to be lectured about it. I used to just dread those appointments. I didn’t have a good relationship with my endocrinologist but a little self reflection has taught me that she was not the problem – it was my bad attitude. Perhaps the judgmental stare I thought I was getting from her was actually a reflection of my own judgement. I usually left her office in tears – knowing that I needed to do better. I vowed to remember to take my long acting insulin and to check my blood sugar every day. I would eat better, exercise and make better choices. This time it will be different.

I remember once sitting in her office. I can see myself sitting in the chair in the little patient room at the end of the hall. The same room I sat in the first time I met her, and the same room I still sit in today. It’s likely that I even sat defensively, leaned back with my arms crossed, ready for the fight that was about to happen. When she walked in, she sat down with her notebook the way she always does. She had my most recent blood work. What’s going on? I burst into tears. I know. I had conveniently “forgot” my blood glucose meter, so I wouldn’t have to face the disappointment. I know I need to do better. I know. She said it was hard to help someone who didn’t want to help themselves. I know.

It’s the same conversation I’ve had over and over again with my mom and dad. Are you taking your insulin? Yes mom. Are you checking your blood sugar? Yes mom. What is your blood sugar today? 7 – I would lie. Those who know me well know that I’m a terrible liar. I wasn’t fooling her – or anyone else. The truth was, I couldn’t remember the last time I had checked my blood sugar. You need to take care of yourself Kar. I know. Please make sure you have your glucose monitor and your insulin with you. I know. I’m 23 now and I can take care of myself. My mom suggested I join a support group and talk to other diabetics. I don’t want to know other diabetics. I just want to be normal.

The thing is that if I was going to do this right, it was going to be a big lifestyle change. I didn’t know at the time, but I couldn’t do it alone. Proper support has been the key to getting where I am today. I had ignored my disease for too many years. I was walking a dangerous path and it was eventually going to catch up to me. I hope it’s not too late.