The Second Golden Year

Now back to our story.

I was fresh out of the hospital from my DKA and headed home to sleep in my own bed. Nothing feels better than your own bed after you’ve stayed overnight in the hospital (or in the case of the kidney transplant gone awry – 87 nights). I felt like a brand new woman. My head was clear and I was determined to get this Diabetes thing right this time.

This time, I would have perfect blood sugar all the time. This time when I told my mom that my blood sugar was 7, I wouldn’t be lying. I carefully calculated all my food intake, checked my blood sugar regularly and took all of my insulin. At that time I still felt like I had to have “good” numbers all the time to have control of my disease. To me, a “bad” number meant that I had done something wrong and the guilt would consume me. I was terrified to let my control slip away again. I know now that while perfect blood sugar is ideal, it’s not always feasible. There are too many factors that affect blood sugar, and to be fair to all the diabetics out there, we’re only human. There is no such thing as a “bad” or a “good” blood sugar number. A blood sugar number is simply a piece of information. It helps us calculate how much insulin to give, or if we need a snack before we exercise, or before we go to bed. And sometimes (just sometimes) it gives us permission to have a sugar filled snack with no guilt. It’s a mindset that has taken me years to learn.

My first day back to work I made my regular stop at Tim Hortons, and ordered my regular order but with sweetener instead of sugar. When I arrived to work and took my first sip, I immediately tasted that there was regular sugar in my tea. I was angry. I needed all the help I could get in getting it right this time, and I didn’t need people messing up my order.

I was also gaining weight. It’s something that I had never factored in before, but it’s a big part of my diabetes journey. When I’m taking care of myself, and eating properly and maintaining an acceptable blood sugar level, I gain weight. This is due to the fact that my body is actually absorbing the nutrient I am eating. It has always seemed backwards to me that the healthier I ate, the more weight I’d gain. I wouldn’t say it was consciously the reason I fell off the wagon again, but it’s definitely a hard part of staying on track. It’s easy to say to someone that it’s okay to be a bit bigger, as long as you’re healthy and staying alive. But I was 24, and newly single again and mentally it’s difficult to not feel comfortable in your own body. Anyone who has known me personally over the last 20 years will probably have seen me at either end of about a 60 pound swing. It’s hard. Really hard.

I stayed on track much longer this time. I was still not comfortable discussing diabetes in depth with anyone and would still get angry if anyone asked if I was taking care of myself. It was no one’s business. My blood sugar wasn’t perfect but I was paying attention to what I ate, making more of my own meals mostly because then I knew what was in them. I was working full time, but not making very much money so it was sometimes hard to eat healthy but I was trying. So what happened next? I fell off the wagon again, but it was different this time. Diabetes is complex and there is a reason that mental health is a big part of living with a chronic illness. “The Ugly Years – Part 2” should shed some light on a subject I think might be more common than you think. Stay tuned!