Down to the Bottom of it

Let’s talk footwear. I love a good pair of flip flops, sandals or my collection of converse shoes. All things that have been disposed of, or collect dust in my closet. Here’s why.

A while back, probably close to 10 years ago, I started to lose feeling in my feet. It started at just my big toe and has progressed over the years to most of my feet. I can feel pressure but not touch and definitely not temperature. It’s called neuropathy and is a fairly common complication of diabetes. It stems from the same cause of most of the diabetes complications, damage to the small blood vessels. It’s an annoyance, yes, but it can also be dangerous. Neuropathy is not reversible and it’s how diabetics start to lose toes and even up to below the knee amputations.

Spoiler alert – I still have all my toes. Right before I had started dealing with the stomach and vision issues, I had noticed some mysterious swelling in my right foot. I had not physically injured it and the tests all came back inconclusive. I was at urgent care once, because it was so swollen I couldn’t get my shoe on. When the urgent care doctor came in with the results of my blood work, I very vividly remember him asking me if I wanted to die. It caught me off guard. It was the first time someone had been so blunt about it. I was used to hearing that “I really should…” I was in urgent care somewhat recently and had the same doctor. He didn’t remember me, but I reminded him of our interaction. He apologized but I told him that I still think of that day in a positive way. Sometimes you need to hear the cold, hard truth.

Eventually I was told that I had Charcot Foot. They tell you not to do this, but I immediately went home and google image searched and was horrified at the deformed limbs of some of the patients. The condensed version of the diagnosis is that the bones in your foot will become brittle, and they will continue to fracture and reform into a solid mid foot mass. You have to let it run it’s course before you can look at doing anything about it. For a long time I wore a leg brace to prevent further damage until it had finished breaking. The brace fit on my calf, right below my knee, like a prosthetic. It had too metal braces down each side that attached to what looked like an insole. The purpose of it was to allow me to walk normally but with my foot suspended about half an inch off the ground. Pretty cool, right? I was pretty lucky with that foot. It healed 100% and still looks like a regular old foot.

In 2015 we visited with some family in Palm Springs. I had a good time going through airport security wearing a metal leg brace. I had really never been swabbed before. I was still very sick, frail and always cold. I found myself warming up in the hot tub throughout the day, even though it was almost 40 degrees Celsius. While my kids ran tip toed from the pool to the shade, I casually strolled over on the hot pool deck without a thought. It was my daughter that pointed out to me how hot it the surface really was and after confirming with my hand I made sure to wear shoes to avoid potentially serious burns.

When I finally got the brace off I was just over a year away from my wedding. I had lost all my muscle in that leg and had a pretty bad limp. I couldn’t get up even one stair without pulling myself up with the railing. A tall curb could stop me dead in my tracks. I made it a mission to be able to walk down the aisle without a limp. That’s when I met Julie, my personal trainer. I was going to the gym, but pretty lost as to where and how to start. I just decided one day that I couldn’t do it on my own, and she was a perfect fit for me. We worked together 3 times a week until the wedding. I went from pulling myself up the stairs with my arms, to fast feet ladder drills. I was in the best shape of my life. I was eating healthy, my diabetes was under control, I was feeling strong and confident and for the first time in a long time I could actually look at myself in the mirror. And yes, I did walk down the aisle with no limp. I was feeling pretty proud!

It was really hard to rely on people for mobility. I couldn’t grocery shop by myself, I had to haul the scooter around when travelling by myself. I am grateful every day for all the sacrifices my family has made for me so that I could still live a somewhat normal life. When a bunch of these things hit you all at once, it’s hard to stay mentally and emotionally strong. It was quite a journey, and THIS time I was sure this had to be it. I was ready to close this chapter, but the universe was not so convinced.

I miss flip flops.